I’ve always been an outsider…. Yet I also belong.

“Behind my eyes, there lives a me
That I’ve been hiding for much too long
’Cause I’ve been too afraid to let it show
’Cause I’m scared of the judgment that may follow”
— India Arie


As I write this, I sit in front of Kali Ma, form of the Divine Mother with skin as dark as night. Flames in her eyes, her gaze pierces my chest to the center of my heart. Her love is ferocious, unyielding, cutting through all the bullshit constructs the human mind creates. She cares not what family or country you were born into, how much money you have in the bank, the gems you wear, or what shade of skin covers your bones - She seeks to move past all that separates - all the ways you think you are special, or all the ways you feel you’ve been hurt -  and bring you straight into the heart of Truth.

Last weekend, I went to a concert 25 years in the making.





Twenty-five years ago, I was a baby flight attendant. I knew there was something greater that I had yet to experience, so I left all I knew - growing up in a cult, in a small rural community in the Deep South of Alabama - in search of something True, in search of myself.





In 2000, two months before my 21st birthday, I moved to the Big Apple. There in Queens, I shared a 3 bedroom apartment with 4 other young women. Within my first six months of flying for Delta Airlines, I had visited many countries in Europe, Central and South America.





New York City truly is a melting pot of races and cultures, of peoples of all colors brimming with hope from the opportunity to “make it”, to provide their family with a different life. That year, I was immersed in the experience of different cultures, different food, different languages, from all over the world. I loved it!





In the Spring of 2001, during my first year of flying, an incredibly talented artist and song writer released her first album - “Acoustic Soul” became the soundtrack of my life that year. Even though I connected deeply with her lyrics and sound, India Arie wasn’t writing about my experience. She wasn’t recording this album for me. She was sharing her experience as a beautiful, vibrant black woman, while at the same time sharing that pulsation of Truth that lives beyond skin tone.

“The time is right, I’m gonna pack my bags
And take that journey down the road
Cause over the mountain, I see the bright sun shining
And I want to live inside the glow


I wanna go to place where I am nothing and everything
That exists between here and nowhere
I wanna go to a place where time has no consequence at all, yeah
The sky opens to my prayers”
— India Arie



As I sat in the concert hall last week, I gazed around the room. There were a few people in the room with completions mirroring my own. Mostly, I saw a beautiful sea of shades of brown - a most beautiful tapestry.



As we waited for the performance to begin, I reflected on my journey over the last 25 years.



Twenty-year old Pennie had no clue who she was. She lacked the community that her heart so desperately longed for. What she did know was that there was something greater yet to be discover. Thank Goodness she was brave enough to take the leap into the unknown.

“I wanna go to place were I can hold the intangible
And let go of the pain with all my might
I wanna go to a place where I am suspended in ecstasy
Somewhere between dark and light, where wrong becomes right”
— India Arie


Over the years, I’ve spent time in Japan, Kenya, Peru, Guatemala, India - all areas of the world with humans who look different than me.



At the heart of these cultures is a rich fabric of community - something my own background and upbringing lacked. They work together to support each other, offering connection, resources, protection and respect.

In all of my travels, in each of these communities, I have been welcomed, embraced. I’ve never felt out of place - even though to look at me from the outside I am.


This brings me to my knees - the kindness, the acceptance, the generosity I have received even though I am cloaked in a skin that matches the tone of so many men (and women) who have done so much harm to peoples whose skin tone is rich in warmth and color - this is proof that in the goodness of humanity.


As India performed every track of her album start to finish, incredible (visceral) memories flooded my field. This is the power of music - to transport us to a different time and place, to connect us to the intangible beyond time and space, to evoke incredible emotion and feeling, to reflect. Her music was so influential to me that season of my life, as a looked towards my future with curiosity - as I befriended and fell in love with people who didn’t share my background, my skin color - as I learned about their life, their cultures, their values, their desires.


Twenty-five years later, I’ve sat in many spaces as the sole white person - and never once have I been made to feel as an outsider - quite the opposite, I always feel I belong. Not that I have the same lived experience as the humans in these spaces. I am certainly still on the outside in many ways.


As I sat in the concert hall last week, I understood on a deeper level that to be black is so much more than the color of someone’s skin.


It is a vibrant culture and community, one that knows the hardships of a race that lives in a society where whiteness is blanketed over everything. Where greedy white men have worked to control the narrative, to control everything, to erase your stories, your history, to keep you separate and subservient.


Regardless of how at home I feel in these spaces, I will never know the human experience of being black in this lifetime. As white woman, I will never face the same fears of discrimination and hatred that people of color face, especially here in “the land of the free”.


As I write this an orange tinted lunatic of a white man threatens to obliterate an entire race of peoples from the planet. The leaders of the nation of my birth are supporting a radical Zionist government to eradicate another land of people of color from the planet. History we swore would never happen again, repeating itself, only a couple of generations down line.


All while I sit here in front of the Dark Mother.

“I am ready for Love
If You’ll take me in Your hands
I will learn what You teach
And do the best that I can”
— India Arie

In this world, I am okay with being an outsider.

I don’t identify with a whiteness that places itself superior to all other peoples.

I don’t identify with a whiteness that is defined by colonialism and capitalism, a culture that keeps peoples of the world impoverished and inhumane conditions just to get the cheapest fast-fashion possible, or the next electronic gadget.


I don’t identify with a religion that uses God’s name to incite fear or destroy other civilizations and peoples who think and look differently than them.

When I am visiting a sacred temple to a form of the Divine Mother in India, I am often the only white face among the crowd. Yet, when I look into the eyes of the beautiful brown faces around me, I see Her. I see what makes us similar, and I see our differences as beautiful expressions of the Divine. Glimmers of Light of our Mother’s Love. She looks at us all the same, she pulls us into an embrace with the same love and acceptance.


As India sang, I felt the same. As we sang along to  “Brown Skin”, I wasn’t connecting with my neighbors over the shared experience of having the same amount of melanin, but through a commonality beyond skin. This only occurs because through my eyes shines a respect and acknowledgment of the beauty and challenge of peoples of color. I am an outsider. I’m not trying to fit in. My experience will never be the same. And I can connect with you regardless of your skin tone because I see the God in you. We both innately belong.



To close, I honor all the beautiful people around the world who have invited me into your families and communities and shown me there are many beautiful ways to live this life. Thank you to all who have allowed me to see and experience your beautiful culture - your delicious food and music, your art, your language - and saw me as worthy to receive this gift even though my skin is the same color as the people that have caused so much harm in the world in this epoch.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I’d love to hear your reflections below. Please feel free to ask any questions you have. And go listen to the incredible works of India Arie.

And, if by some miracle this finds its way to you, India: You inspire me. You have touched my soul, you are wonderful. Thank you.

The Power of Our Emotions

I wrote my insights on the power of our emotions and the opportunity to connect with them in an inspired way for our February Full Moon. Here’s what I shared in my newsletter:

I grew up in a culture that wasn’t very accepting of emotions. Well, that’s not entirely true. I can remember several of the elder church men telling us little girls to “smile”.  So I guess it is more accurate to say that it was only acceptable to display certain, more pleasing emotions.

As a little girl, I naturally had a pretty cheery disposition. As I grew older, I remember experiencing more anger and frustration at the limitations and doctrine of my culture. What was acceptable behavior for a girl, and what wasn’t. Then, of course, I was conditioned to experience guilt, shame and fear as a way to control my thoughts and behaviors. Thankfully, I was given full access to the outdoors, and was eventually introduced to sports.

Anyone who watched me play sports as a kid and had some awareness of astrology would have probably guessed that I’m ruled by Fire. Even though I was in peak physical condition, my face would always turn BRIGHT RED. Always.

Looking back, I believe sports probably saved my life. They gave me a physical outlet to release all of that energy (i.e. emotion) that I wasn’t allowed to express.

Emotions are one of the ways energy moves through our bodies. They are a vital part of our experience as humans on this earth. It is through our emotions that we feel connected (and disconnected) from the world around us. {If you haven’t read Brene Browne’s book Atlas of the Heart, I highly recommend it as she tried to put language to this vast and diverse aspect of human experience}

The full moon this weekend is in an area of the sky associated with emotions, with energy.

Today, at 12:28pm CST, Chandra Devi (the Moon’s Sanskrit name) will reach her peak fullness in the constellation of Cancer, and nakshatra (Vedic star sign within the constellation) of Ashlesha.

The Moon is the ruler of the sign of Cancer, and is associated with our mental and emotional bodies. As she waxes and wanes across the night sky, she teaches us about the pulsation of Life that is inherent in all of us, the spanda, or the expansion and contraction.

As women under the patriarchy, we have been led to believe that our emotions are our weakness. That they make us less capable, less professional, less productive, more unpredictable and therefore less reliable.

This Full Moon reminds you that this is a lie. Your emotions are your POWER.

This moon falls in Ashlesha, a nakshatra that is associated with Naga, or serpent, energy. In the vedas, the serpents are representative of the wisdom keepers and of shakti/prana/life force. (You’ve heard of Kundalini referred to as a serpent coiled at the base of the spine, yeah?)

Energy carries wisdom within it.

Translation: we can glean much understanding by unpacking unexpressed/repressed emotions (in safe containers) and by allowing ourselves to feel our lives fully. This goes for men and women. Under the patriarch, we have both suffered.

This full moon is fully supported by a strong and benefic Brihaspati (Jupiter’s Sanskrit name). So, if you’re feeling the intensity of this Full Moon - beautiful. FEEL it FULLY.

Pranic Practice:
Get outside today, sit down and put your bare feet on the earth. Breathe, deep into your belly. Remind yourself that it is safe to feel your intensity. Take in your natural surroundings through the senses - what do you see? colors, shapes, birds, bugs.... What do you hear? see how many sounds you can identify.... As you breathe deeply, what do you smell? How does the earth feel beneath you - cool to touch, damp, soft, hard, feel Her. As you connect to her, sense the weight of your body against Her and remember how supported you are. You are safe. 

Listen to Jai Jaigadeesh’s “Here comes the rain”

To be nurtured by the Mother

“When by the flood of your tears

the inner and the outer have fused into one,

you will find Her whom you

sought with such anguish,

nearer than the nearest,

the very breath of life,

the very core of (your) heart.”

― Anandamayi Ma

I had just finished 21 days of panchakarma, an ancient form of deep healing medicine arising from the eastern science of Ayurveda. Going through the experience of panchakarma, I realized I had never truly nurtured myself or allowed myself to be nurtured in this way before.

For 21 days, every aspect of my Being was tended to, every cell and frequency taken into consideration. For 21 days, I had three beautiful women nurture this physical form through hours of devotional treatments.

So here at the end of my panchakarma journey, I felt called to visit Anandamayi Ma’s ashram to offer my gratitude for this care, this connection with the Divine Mother.

I was cocooned in Her Love the moment I stepped into her space with offerings of rose and lotus.

All thoughts ceased as I was bathed in her nurturing spirit. In the months since this experience, I’ve tried to arrange words to express it…. and as you can see, I am still failing miserably.

This quote above is the best description I have found. She is and has always been here, waiting with open arms for you to remember and embrace your worthiness.

T I M E

Time.

We are given a limited amount oftimein this body. So why do we squander so much of it?

Have you noticed how precioustimeis? There's a clock whose batteries have limited life on them, they could last 33 months or 99 years, we don't know. Every tick of the clock, every beat of our heart, we are one step closer to time being up.

If we are born into this body with an understanding of this agreement, knowing that this life is finite, then why doesn't it have more of an impact on the way we live our life?

On some level of understanding, awareness of this, of how valuable time is, led me to make big shifts in my career. To establish some pretty grand non-negotiables. Of course, I only arrived at them after having experienced their opposite - selling mytimeand attention for way less than they are worth.

Time is one of our greatest assets. And what I came to realize is that it is invaluable, really. Its something I've become really clear about. So to see that I am still wasting so much of it is puzzling.

And I wonder if you are realizing this, too.

This is a reminder that Life is precious. We are here one day and gone the next. How are you choosing to spend this one, precious life?

Venus Retrograde: return to Love

Venus begins a 40 day transit of retrogression in the sign of Capricorn today. She retraces her steps, revisiting the path she just took. This offers us the opportunity to become aware of or realize things we may have missed the first time around. 


Venus, known as Shukra in Sanskrit, is the brightest star in our sky, shining like a diamond at night. Her close proximity to the Sun means she spends some of her time as an evening star, some as a morning star. 


Shukra is associated with all things Sri - beautiful, elegant, and charming in nature. At Her highest expression, She connects us with supreme creativity and artistic ability. We experience great pleasure via our senses as she enhances our sensual nature. She is also a significator for relationships. 


While Shukra is friends with Saturn (Shani in sanskrit), the ruler of Capricorn, She needs support as Shani’s energy is strong (as she begins this transit, Saturn is sitting in his house of Capricorn).


Shani encourages us to go deep and refine our relationship with ourSelves before seeking fulfillment and pleasure outside of Self. Using the energy of this transit, we can refine our understanding of relating and how it serves our evolution. 


This transit encourages us to become introspective. To become clear in our own identity, dropping away the need to be validated by or defined through our relating with others. 

What a beautiful opportunity She offers us right when we are coming together with those that tend to trigger us the most - our relatives - for holiday celebrations.... Divinely timed.

Some contemplation points for this journey:

 

  • What is my relationship with relating? Do I tend to be a people-pleaser, doing and saying things to keep-the-peace or ensure others “love” me? Do I close myself off from experiencing true connection and Love, in an effort to remain “safe”?


  • What is my relationship with sensuality? Do I allow myself to experience pleasure? Do I restrict or over-indulge in pleasure? Do I find myself entrapped by desire or consumption?


  • What is my relationship with vulnerability? With authenticity?


  • How does Shukra’s creativity wish to move through me? Can I use this as a grounded, conscious way to allow Her to rise into full expression through me? 


  • What are my relations reflecting back to me? Conflict? Addiction? Mistrust? Misunderstanding? Dependency? Complacency? Love? Honor? Respect? Trust? Acceptance? Understanding? Is this relation aligned with Truth as I understand it? Do these relations support and encourage me as I walk this awakened path? 


We often spend 40 days in a sadhana practice, refining a particular energy, so I find it serendipitous that this Venus retrograde period is also 40 days. We can use this time to become even more confused with love, constantly seeking outside what can only be discovered within. Or we can use this opportunity to understand our lower tendencies and transmute this into the highest expression and experience of love - Divine Love.


To understand more clearly what this transit means for you, take a look at your #vedic chart and see where Capricorn lives. If you would like guidance and a specific practice to support Venus during this transit, reach out. 


Planetary Retrogression

Planetary retrogression is often spoken of as a bad thing, as a time to dread.


I’d like to flip the script on this and look at the incredible opportunity it provides us.


First, we must understand what it means when a planet is in retrograde. 


Retrogression of a planet is strictly an illusion. From our view point here on earth, the planet appears to completely stop in it’s tracks and then begins to move backwards. This illusion is caused by the location of and distance between the planet and earth, and earth’s natural rotation on its axis.


The definition of an illusion is something that we don’t see clearly, something that is misunderstood or wrongly perceived - illusions can create confusion.


In a mundane consciousness state, the time a planet is retrograding can be one of increased confusion, misunderstanding and lacking clarity or direction. The way this confusion manifests is related to the nature of the planet in retrograde and our relationship with it.


As we awaken to higher states of consciousness, we realize the beauty of all transits. We see everything in life as an opportunity for growth, for deeper realization.


I would like to invite us to begin to see planetary retrogression as an opportunity for deeper healing and understanding. Using this time to increase our awareness into the nature of the planet and our relationship with it (in what house is it residing during the period of retrograde) can offer great clarity and allow us to align with the retrograding planet’s highest expression.


This also includes planets that are retrograding in our natal charts.


Take a look at your natal #vedicastrology chart and see what planets were in retrograde when you were born. Reach out to schedule a 1-to-1 Jyotish reading to receive personal guidance.

a time for everything

Nature lives in cycles.

The Elements work in harmony to create cycles - 

birth, life, death. Birth, Life, Death.


This decaying tree was once a little seed full of potential. The Elements had to conspire together to encourage into her into her fullest expression. She exists through them. They are her parents.


So many things had to happen in order for Her to become. Cocooned and supported in darkness by Earth. Nurtured and fed by Water Herself, as the heat of Light coaxed and urged Her to reach for the Heavens. And, it was Air who helped carry her there in the first place.


Supported by the elements, She grew tall and strong. She spent years here, doing her part to support Life. Always completely dependent on a precise balance of all 4. Year after year, Her arms were filled with abundance, offering shelter and homes to all. And year after year, she had to release everything she made, giving it back to Earth, trusting that it would feed the next cycle of growth again.


Something about that balance is now off. Not yet ready to go, She still stands upright as she falls apart at the seams. She may never be ready, yet, there’s no stopping this process now.


Wind and Water are doing their part to support this stage in the cycle, yet their work is slow.


There is only one Element that can loosen her grip on the past and welcome her to her next form, speeding up her transition.

———

Reflections in Nature as I came to this beautiful Tree as she clung to Life as she knew it.

Contemplation prompts:


What stage of the cycle do you find yourself today?

Are the Elements in balance?

If not, what element do you need to work with to bring them into balance?

Remember, all is temporary. Just look at the natural world around you. There is a time for growth, and a time for release. 


Trust that whatever stage you find yourself in, you are fully supported. No need to grip, to cling, to yearn for anything. All come in due time. 


And, always remember the transformative power of Fire. She’s here, calling us towards her. She consumes darkness. No need to fear, all that is True can never be burned or destroyed. She Lights our way back home.

Kriya yoga works with the natural ability of the elements, empowering us to bring them into harmony.

The Universe loves to Play

As we shift our awareness, we realize that in every moment, we are dancing with the Divine.


Each moment holds within it an opportunity for growth - progressive change - evolution.


It’s like we are attending Her University on how to be more fully human - integrated holistic beings.


As we walk the path of enlightened living, She gives us countless opportunities. Repeating cycles. If we don’t catch the lesson, it will be presented again (and again) in a different form, until we shift and make a different choice - a progressive choice.


Today, I came face to face with this understanding. Again =) 


I have a few hours between appointments to record some of the Sadhanas I have prescribed to clients this week. And this weekend, I have been experiencing some annoying tech issues - wifi outages, Bluetooth disconnections, slow video processing times - that make running an online business from home challenging. With this in mind, I intentionally checked all of my connections before hitting “record”. 


The practice was beautiful. Maybe 3 minutes into recording, my next-door neighbor starts running the lawnmower…. I laugh internally. I pause for just a moment to make a decision - do I stop the recording or do I continue as planned. I choose to continue in hopes that it won’t be too loud and distracting in the recording. After all, the practice I am sharing is offering us the supreme wisdom to become unaffected by outside circumstances. I nod to Her, understanding that this is part of my education from Her.


The sadhana flows effortlessly and as I stop the recording, I am experiencing Bliss, connection, the fullness of Nature. As I open the video to see how the audio sounds and assess whether the lawnmower overpowers the practice, I learn that there is no recording of the sound of my voice. The only thing you can hear is my music playing in the background.


I laugh out loud. Within this state of Union, I see that this practice was always meant just for me. Just me, dancing with the Divine. What a cosmic play!


In years past, I may have gotten really frustrated and been critical of my choice to continue recording. I may have even used the lawnmower as a sign that I missed, a sign that I should have stopped, that something was wrong with the recording. I used to take life really seriously, a side-effect of having been under the tutelage of Shani all my life, not yet having the consciousness state to fully understand his teachings. 


As I have grown in my awareness, I see how incredibly hilarious this whole game we are playing is - the roles, their expressions. How seriously we take ourselves and our status.  From my current state of consciousness, I realize this is all just a play. I consciously align myself to Her and ask for her guidance in all moments. As this expresses itself, I experience the fullness of this moment. (And, I trust the time and space will open up to re-record.)


I can hear Her laughing with me, as I realize Her game. She loves to play! She beckons us to play with Her, dance with Her!


Can you relate to this experience? Is She giving you opportunity after opportunity to laugh and play with Her? I’d love to hear from you. Drop a comment below sharing your own experience. 

Guru Purnima

This Friday night/Saturday morning (depending on your location in our world), we will bask in the glow of a special full moon, known as Guru Purnima. Purnima = full moon, Guru = dispeller of darkness, or the one that shines Light into the shadows.


Occurring in the star sign (nakshatra) of Uttara Ashada, this full moon heightens our ability to be present with what is. Her invitation to us is to witness the ever-changing nature of reality, constant ebb and flow of our experience - our emotions, our attention, our desires. To walk the middle path illuminated by her Light. This is where liberation occurs.


This is an auspicious full moon as it is conjunct our old, wise guru planet, Saturn, in his own house of Capricorn. Cosmic energy is fully supporting, increasing the potential for spiritual awakening when one creates space to Be, with a heart of devotion and receptivity, meeting ourselves fully.


We are invited to use this energy to go deep into our own awareness through spiritual practices that align us with our dharma, the highest expression of our soul, anchoring our thoughts and emotions in the ever present moment. Taking time to spend in silent meditation, discovering the sacred inner union between masculine and feminine energies, will elevate our spiritual maturity. 


This is also a great time to honor the teachings and teachers that have helped guild us on our path back Home to ourself. Taking time in your sacred space to offer gratitude for the many blessings of experience, wisdom of it all, helps ripen our maturity, seeing the beauty of it all. How blessed are we! Jai Ma! Om Chandraya Namo Namaha! Om Namaha Shiva!

To learn more on how this moon will show up for your personally, schedule a 1-to-1 Jyotish reading with Pennie.